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violence is defined as abuse committed against members of
the same family, a spouse, former spouse, cohabitant, former
cohabitant, a person with whom the offender has had a child, or
is having or has had a dating or engagement relationship
regardless of sexual orientation or between children and elderly
violence may begin with angry words, a shove, or a slap, and
may escalate into a pattern of assaultive controlling behaviors
including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks against
the victim, children, property, and/or pets.
domestic violence behaviors include hitting, choking,
kicking, assault with a weapon, shoving, scratching, biting,
rape, unwanted sexual touching, forcing sex with a third party,
or violation of a valid Restraining Order. Degrading comments,
interrogating family members, suicide threats/attempts,
controlling victim’s time and activities, although not
criminal, are also considered domestic violence behaviors.
violence is not an isolated, individual event. One battering
episode builds on past episodes and sets the stage for future
episodes. All incidents of the pattern interact with each other
and have a profound effect on the victim. There is a wide range
of consequences, some physically injurious and some not, butall are psychologically damaging.
acts of domestic violence even include sexual
sexual assault may be by a stranger or a person known to the
victim, including a husband, boyfriend, ex-husband, or
ex-boyfriend. Sexual assault is a crime. Victims should notify
the police immediately. A police officer will respond to conduct
an investigation and collect evidence. Victims should keep all
clothing worn during the assault and other evidence such as bed
sheets. Officers will transport victims to the hospital for a
free medical exam. Victims should not shower or douche before
of Acquaintance/Date Rape
rape: is sexual assault by someone known to the victim. The
offender can be anyone from the person who sacks your groceries
to a relative or boyfriend.
rape: is, by definition, sexual assault that occurs while on a date
or between persons who expect to have (or already have) an
intimate relationship. According to a study done by Mary Koss
(1987), more than often the rapes reported in this country are
committed by someone known to the victim: a husband, boyfriend,
relative, friend, friend of a friend, brief acquaintance, date,
neighbor or fellow worker. Fifty-seven percent of these sexual
assaults occurred on dates.
violence: is more than just arguing or fighting. Dating violence is
a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get
power over the other, including:
any kind of physical
violence or threat of physical violence to get control;
emotional or mental abuse,
such as playing mind games, making you feel crazy, or
constantly putting you down or criticizing you;
sexual abuse, including
making you do anything you don’t want to, refusing to have
safer sex, or making you feel bad about yourself sexually.
who abuse their girlfriends or boyfriends do the same things that
adults who abuse their partners do. Teen dating violence is just
as serious as adult domestic violence.
are seriously at risk for dating violence. Research shows that
physical or sexual abuse is a part of 1 in 3 high school
relationships. In 95% of abusive relationships, men abuse women.
However, young women can be violent, and young men can also be
victims. Gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans teens are just as at
risk for abuse in their relationships as anyone else.
relationships have good times and bad times. Part of what makes
so confusing and painful is that there is love mixed with the
abuse. This can make it hard to tell if you are really being
abused. Here are some good questions to ask yourself.
your boyfriend or girlfriend:
act like Dr. Jeckle and Mr.
Hyde, with such sudden and extreme moods he seems like two
make fun of you, put you
down, or embarrass you in front of other people?
have a history of bad
relationships or past violence, always blame his/her problems
on other people, or blame you for "making" him/her
treat you badly?
try to get you drunk, high or
messed up or try to get you alone when you don’t want to be?
try to control you — by
being bossy, not taking your opinion seriously, making all of
the decisions about who you see, what you wear, what you do,
talk negatively about people
in sexual ways or talk about sex like it’s a game or a
feel less confident about
yourself when you’re with him/her?
have been told by people you
trust that they’re worried about your safety?
feel scared or
worried about doing or saying ﾒthe
find yourself changing your
behavior out of fear or to avoid a fight?
without help, the violence will only get worse. If you think you
might be in an abusive relationship, please call the National
Domestic Violence Hotline or your local domestic violence center
to talk with someone about it. If you want more information about
dating violence or other resources for teens, take
a look at these links.
of Marital Rape
Marital rape: is the term used to describe nonconsensual sexual acts
between a woman/man and her husband/wife, ex-husband/wife, or
intimate long-term partner. These sexual acts can include:
intercourse, anal or oral sex, forced sexual behavior with other
individuals, and other unwanted, painful, and humiliating sexual
activities. It is rape if one partner uses force, threats, or
intimidation to get the other to submit to sexual acts.
has shown that this pattern of control and abuse increases
in frequency and severity over time. It is estimated that
one-fourth of all homicides in this country occurs within the
family and one-half of these are husband-wife killings. Studies
have shown that arrest, jail, probation, and Restraining Orders
deter many abusers from physically abusing their partners.
you become a victim of annoying phone calls, you should
report them to the East Orange Police Department. Your phone
company may be able to assist in tracking the origin of the
calls if they have a police report number. If you become a
victim of threatening phone calls, report them to your local
police department immediately. The East Orange Police Department
takes threatening calls serious, and so should you, especially
if you are in a battering relationship or have been a victim of
violence affects everyone. It is not color blind nor is it
gender blind. Men are also victims of domestic violence and can
find themselves in a relationship where they are battered. More
information on men as victims/survivors.
violence against women includes physical violence-both sexual and
non-sexual, verbal, emotional and economic abuse. There are
programs available for men who have recognized their patterns of
abuse and would like to address them.
It is likely that you are
abusing someone if he/she tells you that he/she is being hurt by
your actions (such as slapping, pushing, grabbing) or words
(through put-downs, threats or intimidation). You may not think
you are an abusive person or that your words or actions aren’t
enough to hurt someone. But, it is not about what you think your
actions are doing or should do to your partner. What matters is
how your actions affect him/her.
my partner told me that my words or actions hurt him/her?
my partner asked me to stop those hurtful words or actions?
I ever used force or threats to make my partner do something
that he/she didn’t want to do?
I ever used force or threats to prevent my partner from doing
something he/she wanted to do?
my partner complained that I have pressured him/her into
unwanted sexual activities?
my partner complained that I control or dominate his/her life
in unwanted ways?
you answered yes to any of these, you are probably engaging in a
form of emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse against your
partner. This does not mean you are a bad person, but it does mean
that you MUST stop your abusive behavior.
available, but you must be willing to:
abusive words and actions
abusive behavior to yourself and others
Talk about what
you have done and be willing to face the consequences
may not be easy for you. But think of the difference it could
make for your partner, your family and yourself.
are not alone
and many different kinds of help are available
to you in your community. The East Orange Police Department is
concerned about your safety!
DON'T VICTIMS LEAVE?
National statistics suggest that
individuals leave violent relationships several times before
they leave for good. There are several stages victims of
domestic violence may experience as they recognize the abusive
situation and decide to leave. The Pyramid Of Escape helps to
identify the possible stages.
Pyramid Of Escape
DENIAL/LOSS OF SELF
ACKNOWLEDGMENT and VALIDATION
Stage 1: Abuse
The abuse stage signifies the
abuse is taking place, but the individual has not necessarily
identified their self as abused. Consistent abuse may lead to
the next stage of denial or loss of self. At this stage, the
abuse has modified the individual's personality and view of
Stage 2: Denial/Loss of Self
Denial and /or the loss of self
explains the defense mechanism used toward the abuse occurring
in the relationship. During this stage, many victims describe
feeling as though they have lost control, have no identity,
apologetic, quiet, scared, and have low self-esteem. It is not
uncommon for a victim in this stage not to have identified
with being in an abusive relationship.
Lying about/Covering up the abuse:
"I was playing with the kids and...."
"I must have bumped something"
Denial or minimization of the abuse: "It really wasn't that bad."
"It doesn't happen very often."
"It's only a scratch."
Self blame: "If I made him/her happy, they wouldn't hit me."
"I was battered because I did something wrong."
Makes excuses/"can't fit it into my schedule"
Disposes of help from others (brochures/books/referrals)
Avoids those trying to help (friends/family/etc.)
Considers help: Calls a shelter or hotline for information
Checks a website for information
Writes down phone numbers and keeps them handy
Seeks help: From friends
From shelters/Social services
By getting away, even for a little while
(like going to a motel or friends house)
Note: All these can be going on
at once, they are not necessarily single steps
Stage 3: Validation and
Acknowledgment of Being Abused
Victims are likely to
acknowledge being in a violent relationship when it is
identified by an outside source (family, friends, co-workers,
police officers, etc.), experiencing severe physical trauma,
or a combination of both. More specifically, an outside source
recognized the abusive situation and the victim received
reinforcement through an abusive episode. At this stage,
female victims of domestic violence may begin to see
themselves as "battered women."
Stage 4: Emotional Response
Once an individual confronts the
idea of being a victim of domestic violence, there is likely
an emotional struggle to follow. The emotional response is
different from person to person, but may resemble the grieving
process for a lost loved one. It is unknown how long someone
will remain in this stage, but it enables an individual to
gain motivation toward leaving the abusive relationship.
Stage 5: Motivation
This stage represents an
individual's need to regain control of their life. Other
motivations may involve the children, fear for their life, and
Stage 6: Triggering Event
Once the victim is motivated to
leave, there is most likely an event that takes place
triggering the actual leaving of the relationship. This event
is most likely to be a severe physical episode or fear of
imminent death. In some cases, the identification of being in
an abusive relationship is motivation enough to leave.
Stage 7: Escape
Victims in this stage have
removed themselves and their identity from the relationship.
Safety becomes more important and victims leave their violent
WHY DO VICTIMS STAY?
People stay with abusive
partners for many different reasons. By understanding these
reasons, you can explore your options for living a
violence-free life and avoid feelings of guilt and isolation.
You fear you will be beaten more
severely. Your batterer has threatened to find and kill or
harm you, your children, and your family.
You depend on the batterer for
shelter, food, and other necessities.
You have no one to talk to who
understands and believes you.
You believe your children need
two parents, and you don't want to raise them alone.
You want to keep the family
together and live up to your religious commitment to remain
with your partner.
You fear that you won't be able
to take care of yourself and your children alone.
You want to stand by your
partner and be loyal to the relationship.
Your partner has threatened to
commit suicide if you leave.
You believe that things will get
You believe that no one else
will love you.
You fear your family and friends
will be ashamed of you.
You feel ashamed, embarrassed,
and humiliated and don't want anyone to know what is
You think others will believe
that you are "low class" or stupid for staying as long as you
You believe that you need to be
in a relationship to feel like a complete person.
You fear that you will be
deported or that your children will be taken out of the
If you are in a same sex
relationship, you fear that you will be "ousted" or that no one
will believe you.
Your job is to make the
relationship work, and if it does not work, you are to blame.
If you stay, you can
"save" the batterer and help him or her get better.
It is a myth that people don't leave
violent relationships. Many leave an average of five to seven
times before they are able to leave permanently. You are in
greater danger from your partner's abuse when you leave. Only
you can decide what is best for you and your children. Whether
you decide to remain with your abusive partner or leave, it is
important for you to plan for your safety.
IF YOU KNOW OR SUSPECT SOMEONE
IS A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, TELL THEM, GIVE THEM
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE PHONE NUMBERS, LEND YOUR SUPPORT,
AND BE PATIENT --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you been slapped,
strangled, hit, stabbed, shot, verbally abused, sexually
abused, threatened with a deadly weapon, harassed, stalked, or
suffered any other form of physical violence by an intimate
partner, a family member, in-law, boyfriend, girlfriend,
roommate or acquaintance? There is help if you believe you are
a victim of domestic violence! The East Orange Police
Department Domestic will investigate cases like these. If you
need to speak with a detective or victim advocate please call
Domestic Violence Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day by
trained counselors who can provide crisis assistance and
information about shelters, legal advocacy, health care centers,
A Tool For
Compliance With VAWA
2000 Fees Requirement.
Orange Police Department:973-266-5000
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
2620 Whitehorse/Hamilton Square Road
Trenton, NJ 08690
TOLL-FREE: for Battered Lesbians: 800-224-0211 (in NJ
TTY: 609-584-0027 (9am-5pm, then into message service)
Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN) will automatically
transfer you to the rape crisis center nearest you, anywhere in
the nation. It can be used as a last resort if people cannot
find a domestic violence shelter. 1-800-656-HOPE
article first appeared in the Summer 1999 Volume 33/No. 2
magazine of Women
Police. It is the official publication of the International
Association of Women Police. The article was written by
retired Lieutenant Richard L. Davis and edited for the magazine
by Wordsmiths Inc.
police departments understand that police intervention is
essential in cases of domestic violence, the crime that inflicts
suffering and death on too many American families. Domestic
violence advocates, however, must not expect the criminal
justice system to resolve the problem, for law enforcement by
its nature a reactive force is ill equipped to prevent crime. By
the time the criminal justice system intervenes, many victims
have been abused for years.
role of the police in domestic violence
Police intervention is an emergency measure intended to
stop violence, restore peace, and if necessary arrest a person
who has violated the law. Since the police can and should be
expected to offer relief to those seeking help, all officers
must be trained in emergency procedures so that they can provide
immediate assistance. They must also be prepared to refer
victims to the appropriate agency for long-term relief. Too
often victims of domestic violence confront a bewildering array
of competing agencies whose policies and programs conflict with
each other. Sadly, there is frequently little collaboration
between agencies. In many cases the greatest service the
responding officer can render the victim of domestic violence is
simply to guide her to the agency that can best help.
the entire department
Acknowledging that a problem exists is the first step in
resolving the problem. If victims of domestic violence are to be
helped, it is essential that police departments not choose the
easy path and assign the responsibility for responding to
domestic violence to an individual or squad. History
demonstrates that the compartmentalization of responsibility
fosters an, it's-not-my-job mentality, in those not expressly
charged with the task. Thus the danger in creating a Domestic
Violence Unit is that other members of the department may infer
that domestic violence is the sole responsibility of the
specialized unit. Proper training must involve the whole
department, sworn and civilian personnel alike, and innovations
must be merged with routine functions and duties. Police
administrators must be careful when placing increased social
responsibility on their officers. The pressure of accountability
can lead to frustration, the result of the officers' feeling of
helplessness in the face of complex social problems that they
are unable to solve. Officers must be assured that they are not
alone, that other members of the community share responsibility
and can bring specialized skills to bear on the problem.
Violence and Law Enforcement (as abusers)
Violence victims and their batterers cut across all socioeconomic,
demographic and professional lines. Power and control wielded by
batterers in law enforcement is an all-too-common occurrence.
Conversely, law enforcement officers may also be domestic violence
victims. Reflecting this prevalence, many police and sheriff
departments’ internal policies and procedures now address
domestic violence within their ranks. Protocols vary from
department to department. More
information D.V. and law enforcement.
woman is beaten every 15 seconds.
violence is the leading cause of injury to women between
ages 15 and 44 in the United States.
women are more likely to suffer miscarriages and to give
birth to babies with low birth weights.
percent of the young men between the ages of 11 and 20 who
are serving time for homicide have killed their mother’s
Domestic Violence Hotline has received
more than 700,000 calls for assistance since February
1996. – National Domestic Violence Hotline, December
violence is the second most reported crime, accounting for
about 25% of violent incidents reported to the police.
On average a
woman will be beaten 32 times before she seeks help.
violent partner is sexually violent and inadequate.
one-third of American women (31 percent) report being
physically or sexually abused by a husband or
boyfriend at some point in their lives. –Commonwealth
Fund survey, 1998
estimated that 503,485 women are
stalked by an intimate partner each year in the
United States. – National Institute of Justice, July 2000
range from 960,000 incidents of
violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or
girlfriend each year to 4 million women who are
physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each
year. – Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on
Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and
Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998
that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of
family violence cases that involve families with
children. – "The overlap between child
maltreatment and woman battering." J.L. Edleson,
Violence Against Women, February, 1999
are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes
overall, women are 5 to 8 times more
likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.
– Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by
Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S.
Department of Justice, March, 1998
Violence by an
intimate partner accounts for about 21%
of violent crime experienced by women and about 2 % of the
violence experienced by men. – Violence by
Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former
Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of
Justice, March, 1998
of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by
men against women. – Violence Against Women,
Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice,
Of women who
reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the
age of 18, three quarters (76 percent)
were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating
partner, date or boyfriend. – Prevalence
Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women:
Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey,
U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998
In 1994, women
separated from their spouses had a victimization rate 1 1/2
times higher than separated men, divorced men, or
divorced women. – Sex Differences in Violent
Victimization, 1994, U.S. Department of Justice, September,
In 1996, among
all female murder victims in the U.S., 30%
were slain by their husbands or boyfriends. –
Uniform Crime Reports of the U.S. 1996, Federal Bureau of
women were murdered by an intimate
from 1976-1996. – Violence by Intimates: Analysis of
Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and
Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998
exposure to the father abusing the mother is the
strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from
one generation to the next. – Report of the American
Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on
Violence and the Family, APA, 1996
percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone
their age who
has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. – Children
Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December, 1995
accounted for 39% of the hospital emergency department
visits for violence-related injuries in 1994 but
84% of the persons treated for injuries inflicted by
intimates.– Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on
Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and
Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998
violence costs the nation from $5 to $10 billion annually
in medical expenses, police and
court costs, shelters and foster care, sick leave,
absenteeism, and non-productivity. – Medical News,
American Medical Association, January, 1992
boyfriends commit 13,000 acts of violence
against women in the workplace every year.–
Violence and Theft in the Workplace, U.S. Department of
Justice, July, 1994
of welfare recipients have experienced domestic abuse
in their adult lives and a high percentage are currently
abused. – Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New
Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic
Violence and Welfare, The Taylor Institute, April, 1997
in five female high school students reports being
physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. –
Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS), August 2001
Violence is the physical, emotional, psychological and or
sexual abuse of one person by another with whom they have a
relationship. Abusers use violence to gain power and control
over their partners. Violence is never an appropriate expression
of anger. The abuse can range from verbal "put-downs"
have specific rights under the law for Domestic Violence some of
which are the following:
have the right to go to court to get an order called a
temporary restraining order (TRO) which may protect you from
more abuse by your attacker. The kinds of things a judge can
order in a TRO may included the following....
attacker is temporarily forbidden from entering the home you
attacker is temporarily forbidden from having contact with
you or your relatives
attacker is temporarily forbidden from bothering you at work
attacker has to pay temporary child support or support to
will be given temporary custody of your children.
attacker will pay you back any money you have spent for
medical treatment or repairs because of the violence.
also have the right to file a criminal complaint against your
attacker if you wish. In some circumstances that may be done by
the police department responding to the scene of a domestic
If you are
uncertain whether you or your children are being abused, take a
moment to answer the following questions:
person you love…
you, make you feel isolated or alone
you with his/her temper
all of your time
accuse you of being unfaithful
your relationships with family and friends
you from working or attending group meetings or school
you for little things such as your cooking or appearance
easily when drinking alcohol or taking drugs
all the finances and force you to account in detail for what
or degrade you in front of others by name-calling, putdowns,
frequent threats to withhold money, have an affair, or take
away the children
personal property or sentimental items
punch, slap, kick, restrain, bite or throw things at you or
or threaten to use, a weapon against you
to hurt you or the children
you to engage in sex against your will
in because you are afraid of your partner’s reaction
to yourself or others for your partner’s behavior when you
are treated badly
a pattern of violence
answered "yes" to even a few of these
questions, it’s time to get help!
are no easy answers, but there are things you can do to protect
yourself. The most important step is not
ignoring the problem.
Duluth Wheel map of violent and non-violent behavior was
devised by the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project,
Duluth, Minnesota, USA, as part of its program to help men
convicted of domestic assault to modify their abusive behavior
toward mutual co-operation with others. The program is
facilitated by a group of peers who use the Wheel's
"map" to help participants identify their own violent
behaviors, who consistently remind participants of their
responsibility for violence, and who model alternative behaviors
and alternative solutions to conflict.
"MAP" divides violence into eight sectors:
coercion and threats; intimidation; economic abuse;
gender-privilege; isolation; using children; minimizing, denying
and blaming. The respective target behavior for each sector is:
negotiation and fairness; non-threatening behavior; economic
partnership; respect; shared responsibility; trust and support;
responsible parenting; honesty and accountability.
Using coercion and threats
Negotiation and fairness
and/or carrying out threats
to do something to hurt
leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to
making her drop
making her do
mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures smashing
weapons (such as knives)
and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable
expressing herself and doing things
Using economic abuse
her from getting or keeping a job
making her ask
giving her an
not letting her
know about or have access to family income
money decisions together
both partners benefit from financial arrangements
Using emotional abuse
making her feel
bad about herself - calling her names
think she's crazy
making her feel
to her non-judgmentally
emotionally affirming and understanding
Using gender privilege
her like a servant
making all the
acting like the
'master of the house'
being the one
to define male and female roles
agreeing on a fair distribution of work
Trust and support
what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she
reads, where she goes
to justify actions
her goals in life
right to her own feelings, friends, activities and
her feel guilty about the children
children to relay messages
visitation to harass her
take the children away
positive non-violent role model for the children
Minimizing, denying and blaming
Honesty and accountability
light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about
abuse didn't happen
responsibility for abusive behavior
responsibility for self
past use of violence
openly and truthfully
Violence Safety Plan
A Protection Order is
an important part of a safety plan, but it also is important
that you take other steps to remain safe.
a bag packed and include your important papers. If you have
to leave quickly, it will be ready.
a written log of any contact, harassment or abuse, including
date and time of incidents and witnesses. This information
will be helpful if you file a police report.
answering machine tapes, caller ID records, or call traces.
They can be used to substantiate your complaint.
neighbors, co-workers, and friends know what is going on so
they can keep an eye on you.
be embarrassed! Keeping the adverse party's behavior a
secret could be dangerous for others as well as yourself.
a copy of your protection order at all the places listed.
Give a copy to friends, family, neighbors and co-workers.
the adverse party is out of the residence, change the locks!
the exterior of you home well-lit and trim any shrubs.
your daily habits. Take new routes to work, try a new
supermarket. Don't make it easy to be followed.
NOT meet with the adverse party, even if that person
promises to return belongings or to resolve differences.
ask for a police escort to retrieve belongings or return
you can't avoid an attack, try to stay out or get out of the
kitchen, bathroom, garage, or any place where there are
sharp or heavy objects that can be used as weapons.
the resources in your community for emergency shelter,
information and support. Keep phone numbers on a small card
that you can carry with you at all times.
Get Help? The Danger is Real
you are controlling or have a controlling partner, don't ignore
these behaviors. They are learned behaviors that one
person uses to intimidate and manipulate. They are
destructive and dangerous. Every year, thousands of women
are seriously hurt or killed by their husbands or partners.
the abuse continues without outside help, the abusing partner
may risk being arrested, going to jail, or losing the
What Hurts You Hurts Your
Children:Children get hurt
when they see their parents being yelled at, pushed or
hit. They may feel scared and ashamed or think they caused
the problem. Children grow up learning that it's okay to
hurt other people or let other people hurt them. A third
of all children who see their mothers beaten develop emotional
problems. Boys who see their fathers beat their mothers
are ten times more likely to be abusive in their adult intimate
violence service recognizes that a child living in an
environment where domestic violence occurs is an abused child.
Not all children are affected by domestic violence in the
same way. It can impact on every aspect of a child's life and behavior.
Children may become; fearful, withdrawn, anxious and confused; suffer
from disturbed sleep, crying for what looks like no reason at all, difficulties
at school and problems in making friends. Children often feel
caught in the middle between their parents, and find it
difficult to talk to either of them. Adolescents may act out or
exhibit risk-taking behaviors such as drug and alcohol use,
running away, prostitution, pregnancy or criminal behavior. Young
men may try to protect their mothers or become abusive to their mothers. Children
may also be hurt trying to stop the violence and intervening
between their parents.
If you see these signs in a child you know , Please let
someone know in the proper agencies before this child gets
injured more or even worse killed. let us ban together to put an
end to this madness and break the cycle.
Everyone Has the Right to Feel Safe in a Relationship:
violence hurts all family members. When a person is
abusive, he or she eventually loses the trust and respect of his
or her partner. Abused partners are afraid to communicate
their feelings and needs. With help, people who are
abusive can learn to be non-violent.
"Each year, 1.4.
million Americans are stalked, and more than half of stalking
victims are women, according to a U.S. Department of Justice
study released in November 1997-" (Tjaden, Patricia, Ph.D.
and Thoennes, Nancy, Ph.D., "Stalking in America: Findings
from the National Violence Against Women Survey).
Below are suggested
ways to handle the crime of stalking by an estranged partner:
aware of your surroundings at all times, especially if the
person stalking you has a history of haven beaten you in the
past. The most dangerous time is not staying in a violent
relationship, but in leaving the violent relationship.
watch to see if you are being followed. If you are being
followed, go to the nearest police substation. Fire stations
and convenience stores are also staffed 24 hours a day and
will usually have people around.
reports to the police, even if you don't prosecute. This will
provide documentation for pursuing criminal charges later if
the harassment and stalking continue. A police report must be
initiated before stalking charges can be filed.
your telephone conversations. Keep all harassing messages left
on your answering machine.
clear message that the relationship is over. Do not be even
the slightest bit ambivalent. The type of person who is
obsessive with another will take an inch and make it into a
document, document everything. Keep all letters or notes sent.
Keep a record or diary of these events.
think the behavior will change, no matter how much begging,
pleading, cajoling there is or how much sympathy you may feel.
It is almost always manipulation to get you back. Don't fall
for it. Specifically remember the bad times. Once you've been
charmed back, you will be seeing the bad side again and it
will overshadow the good.
blame you - do not take responsibility for their actions. You
don't have to put up with it.
As more and more
people are gaining access to the Internet there is an
increasing awareness of a new form of stalking called cyber
stalking. Cyberstalking is the use of the Internet, and other
forms of electronic communications to harass or threaten
someone repeatedly. This can involve e-mail, harassment in
live chat situations, and using the victims code name or
e-mail address after leaving inappropriate messages on message
boards or guest books, sending viruses, or electronic theft
By using e-mail the
stalker can send spam (large volumes of unsolicited junk mail)
and send pornographic materials to work or family accounts. In
live chat situations the harassment may involve
"flaming", or on-line verbal abuse, sexual
harassment, and repeated attempts at "private
chats". Electronic identity theft is use of the Internet
to gain personal information. There are on-line services that
will give your social security number, financial history,
personal information, and a detailed map to your house.
Cyber stalking can be
as terrifying as IRL (in real life) stalking, but often harder
to prove and more difficult to control. The anonymity of the
Internet works for the stalker, but there are safety
procedures to help anyone on-line and those being cyber
stalked. Do not give out personal information on-line, do not
use your real name or nickname on-line, and be very careful
about meeting on-line acquaintances in person. If you are
being cyber stalked change e-mail accounts, and again as with
IRL if possible keep old account open to document on-going
abuse and only give new information those who really need it.
If you cannot change accounts look in to filter programs.
Within a chat room use gender-neutral nicknames, do not use
real e-mail addresses, be careful with profiles, use ignore
options, and do not answer individual chat requests. Notify
the chat administrator or room moderators of abuse. If you are
being harassed through e-mail or through a chat room you can
notify the Internet provider; most Internet providers have
either a complaints account at postmaster@domainnam
For more help on-line
and more safety measures there are several web sites devoted
to cyber stalking; www.haltabuse.org
offer suggestions and support to those being cyber stalked.
and Facts about Domestic Violence
1: Domestic violence does not affect many people.
woman was beaten every 15 seconds according to 1983
statistics. Domestic violence is the leading cause
of injury to women between ages 15 and 44 in the United
States--more than car accidents, other assaults and rapes.
In 1992, the Surgeon General concluded that battered women are
more likely to suffer miscarriages and to give birth to babies
with low birth weights. In 1992, nearly two-thirds of the
young men between the ages of 11 and 20 who are serving time for
homicide have killed their mother's abuser.
2: Battering is only a momentary loss of temper.
is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship
through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer
uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including
intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to
coerce and to control the other person. The violence may
not happen often, but it remains as a hidden and constant
terrorizing factor (Uniform Crime Reports, FBI, 1992).
It has been reported in the state of Maine that 20% of women
victimized by their spouses or ex-spouses said that they had
been victimized over and over again by the same person.
3: Domestic violence only occurs in poor, urban areas.
of all cultures, races, occupations, income levels, and ages
are battered by husbands, boyfriends, lovers and partners.
Approximately one third of the men who were counseled are
professional men who are well respected in their jobs and
4: Domestic violence is just a push, slap or punch--it
does not produce serious injuries.
women are often severely injured. According to an
A.M.A. study in 1992, one in four pregnant women have a history
of partner violence.
5: It is easy for battered women to leave their abuser.
who leave their batterers are at a greater risk of being
killed by the batterer than those who stay. Nationally,
half of all homeless women and children in 1991 were on the
streets because of violence in the home.
"Domestic Violence: The Facts" -- A Handbook to STOP
violence, Battered Women Fighting Back, Boston, MA.
violence cuts across lines of race, nationality, language,
culture, economics, sexual orientation, physical ability, and
religion to affect people from all walks of life. Domestic
violence is serious wherever and whenever it happens. Racism,
sexism, ableism, homophobia and other forms of oppression can
impact how people experience violence in their lives and how
they are able to get help. Substance abuse problems or mental
illnesses, while not responsible for domestic violence, can
change a family’s experience of violence and the kind of
treatment that is needed. People have developed specific
resources to make sure that all individuals in any circumstance
can get the help and support they need to end domestic violence
in their lives.
1994, nearly 2 of 3 female victims of violence were related
to or knew their attacker. Many women fail to report their
attacks to police because they feared retaliation from the
offender. Annually, compared to males, females experienced
over 10 times as many incidents of violence by an intimate.
was reported in 1991 that each year, medical expenses from
domestic violence total at least $3 to $5 billion.
Businesses forfeit another $100 million in lost wages, sick
leave, absenteeism and non-productivity. It is estimated
that a quarter of all workplace problems such as absenteeism,
lower productivity, turnover and excessive use of medical
benefits are due to family violence.
a 1990 national survey, half of the men who frequently
assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.
Child abuse is more likely to occur in families where domestic
violence is present. In 1995, a California study found
that children who witnessed violence at home displayed emotional
and behavioral disturbances as diverse as withdrawal, low
self-esteem, nightmares, self-blame and aggression against
peers, family members and property.
We've learned not to let friends drive drunk. We've
learned to help stop crimes. How can you approach a friend
If you think a person is being abused:
an assault is occurring, call 911.
Take the time to listen and believe what your friend says
downplay the danger
judge or criticize your friends choices
to help with children care or transportation
concern for your friend's safety
your friend know about agencies that can help
remember domestic violence hurts everyone
way you found this page, the East Orange Police
Department is glad you are here, to educate and to be
educated. You and your police department are a powerful
agent for change to keep more men and women from being
beaten senseless, and living in fear, and to keep more
children safe and free from witnessing this horror. Educate,
be educated, and make a difference. This is the very least
we can do. And this much is a lot because it is the
foundation of changing how we think about Domestic Violence.
The "Domestic" part of the term "Domestic
Violence" makes it seem almost harmless but ask any
survivor, any victim, or any family member who has lost a
loved one to this how harmless this is. You won't get that
answer from them. There are few guarantees as a general
rule. But this we will guarantee. From now on, instead of
keying a term that makes this issue seem harmless by calling
it "Domestic" Violence, let's just call it what it
is: spousal and relationship beating.
page is our way of opening the door to what is happening
in America and abroad and telling the story of survival.
What is written here could quite possibly save a life if we
do our part individually and collectively.
timeit took you to read just the text on this
page, 38 women were battered. How many more people have to
be before we light the way for those who may never know what
freedom and happiness is? We must do our part now.
page is dedicated to those who won the battle--the
survivors--who light the way for
others; to those who cannot yet make their voices heard--the
victims; to those who can never again make their voices
heard--the Angels in Heaven above.
you need assistance now, call:
Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).